Posted on October 04, 2024
These days we often hear of rifts between friends, family members and colleagues. Sometimes breaks in relations are necessary and healthy as when we need to enforce a boundary or shed an unwanted role. Other times, though, they are regrettable, and we ask ourselves afterward what happened and how it could have been avoided.
When this occurs, poor communication is very often a culprit because communication is at the heart of our relationships. The good news is that interpersonal communication skills can be learned and improved with practice.
A good place to start is by considering how we listen. Without realizing it, we may engage in “self-focused” listening. This behavior can take various forms:
• Coming to a conversation with our thoughts elsewhere
• Glancing at our phone when the other person is speaking
• Thinking of how to respond before the speaker finishes
• Filtering the speaker’s words through our own beliefs and experiences
• Interrupting
• Thinking we know what they will say before they say it
• Listening with a goal like changing the speaker’s mind
All these ways of “listening” interfere with our being fully present with another person to understand their perspective.
“Other-focused” listening, by contrast, allows us to hear another’s perspective when it’s their turn to speak. We can engage in this kind of listening in these ways:
• Coming to the conversation with a clear mind
• Adopting the attitude that we don’t know what the speaker will say until they say it
• Listening from moment to moment with non-judgmental curiosity
• Abandoning the “zero sum” mindset that one person’s gain is the other’s loss
• Not interrupting
• Not cutting the speaker off when they pause briefly before going on
Listening actively is also important. Rather than assume we understand what we’re hearing, we can reflect or paraphrase what we’ve heard and ask clarifying questions (especially open-ended questions starting with “what” or “how”). These respectful practices not only help us see the other person’s point of view but help make our conversations reciprocal, increasing the likelihood that we will be shown the same respect when it’s our turn to speak. None of this means we must agree with the other person’s conclusions.
Skillful speaking is important, too. Using “I” statements makes it clear we are speaking from our perspective alone. To keep our listener engaged, we should avoid lecturing, commanding, shaming or broadcasting a monologue and instead strive for a conversational tone.
As a speaker, we should understand our own intentions and motivations. Are we trying to exchange thoughts on the topic or win a debate? We should be aware of our biases, which is particularly important with hot-button topics. In their book The Power of Us, psychology professors Jay Van Bavel and Dominic Packer discuss the increase in our political polarization and the tendency to place importance on political identity, which can lead to “out-group hate.” When this occurs, “the power of factual information is diluted – especially if it comes from the other side.” Being aware of such bias can keep it from sabotaging a conversation.
In situations involving potential conflict, self-awareness will also help us recognize our defenses as they arise, so we can remain open and curious rather than reacting automatically from an instinct to protect ourselves.
It’s helpful to consider the timing of our conversations and how we will carry them on. If either of us is feeling tired or overwhelmed, it’s probably not the right time to talk. And technology might not offer the best means of communication.
Adopting new ways of listening and speaking can be challenging at first. Like trying to change any habit, it takes practice. At first, it’s best to start with lower-stakes situations, perhaps leaving for later conversations about politics, money or whatever else we and our conversation partner feel most strongly about. If anticipating a difficult conversation causes us anxiety, we can take a few deep belly breaths for in-the-moment relief from mounting stress before that conversation takes place.
If we avoid difficult conversations altogether, we could lose out on deepening relationships we care about and forego an opportunity to offer and receive social support. We could miss a chance to learn something or solve a problem. As a society, our problems would become increasingly intractable.
If instead more of us communicated better and collaborated more, we would increase our chances of finding solutions that have something for everyone. While it can be difficult to unlearn old communication habits and learn new ones, it just might be worth the effort.