Posted on April 04, 2025
On a recent trip to California, my husband and I hiked a trail leading up through rolling hills to a panoramic view of Napa. Although considered only moderately difficult, the trail is steep and rocky in spots.
Not far along the trail, we overheard an interesting conversation. A mother with a young girl was resting halfway up one of the steep, rocky slopes. This woman was quite heavy, and her breathing was labored as she warned her daughter, “Don’t be like me.” She went on say that it’s important to eat a healthy diet and get regular exercise to be able to do things like hiking. The girl’s father, with another daughter, looked on from farther up the trail.
We admired this mother’s willingness to attempt the hike and her honesty in admitting her shortcomings. She was trying to have a positive influence on her daughter even as she called attention to behaviors of hers that should be avoided rather than emulated. But her impact, we realized, would depend on what she did back home. Would she walk her talk, or would she adopt a “Do as I say, not as I do” attitude? Either way, for better or worse, she would be a role model for her children.
I often hear from clients with young children that one motivation for adopting healthier behaviors is setting a good example. They realize they are being watched closely as the children decide how they want to think and behave. As a parent and grandparent, I can relate to that. Being a role model is a big responsibility even if we don’t deliberately seek it out.
The woman on the hill and her message stuck with me, and I found myself (my coaching self, that is) hoping she will make personal changes to improve her health and provide a positive example for her children. Here are four things I would love to see her do:
1. Assess her readiness to change. This mother’s unhealthy habits have served her well in some way or she wouldn’t have them, so they may be hard to shed. Weighing the pros and cons of giving them up will help her decide if now is the right time. But if it’s not and she does nothing more than share her thoughts, she will at least be modeling careful decision-making and self-awareness.
2. Avoid attempting too much. If she does decide to change, I hope this mother doesn’t try to reform all her habits at once. If she does, she risks becoming discouraged and giving up, which could undercut her confidence the next time she tries. If she wants to change both her eating and exercise habits, it will serve her better to start with one and work on something small before adding the other. With eating habits, for example, I hope she starts with one meal or food group and gains some traction before tackling something else. It occurred to me that, at the very least, she would be modeling patience and perseverance if she did this.
3. Engage the family. Health is a family matter. Having family members share meal ideas and take on age-appropriate food preparation tasks could help everyone feel invested and would honor individual differences. It would make healthy eating more fun for everyone and less work for one person. Taking family walks would offer time to be together and communicate while getting healthy outdoor exercise. Family support would help the mother, and good communication would benefit everyone in every area of family life and beyond.
4. Reframe failure. Whenever we stretch beyond our comfort zone by trying something new, we risk having setbacks, which are a normal part of habit change. Learning from our mistakes is the way to keep going. Thinking of failure as a First Attempt In Learning keeps our missteps from becoming debilitating. Avoiding negative self-judgment and practicing self-compassion are part of this. If this mother were to handle her setbacks this way and share her thoughts, she would model a tool her daughters could use in any area of their lives.
I wondered whether this mother would someday be able to climb that hill without stopping. But whether or not she can change her health habits, as long as she tries to do so in these ways, she will set a positive example for her children. She doesn’t need to be perfect. Showing herself as a work in progress and modeling the process itself will give them some precious gifts.